Life triggers would take me daily into extreme and uncontrollable shame, remorse and embarrassment. These shame attacks paralysed my life and often prevented me from emotionally engaging and mentally interacting with others. I was a made into some thing that I am not, to be perceived in ways that are just not me.
Life paralysed by feelings of Shame, Remorse and Embarrassment
I often have immobilising feelings of shame, remorse and embarrassment that would both rob my time and debilitate my ability to engage and appropriately respond to others. I would also be mentally absent and less coherent, creating a dazed feeling that would paralyse me and even cause my muscles to contract and spasm at times. Often I would be sore when this effect was particularly intense. I would often retreat into myself and lose touch with the world around me, I would sometimes not hear a person speaking to me. Sometimes the emotions would be so draining that I would also would get energy depleted and would have to lay down in the foetal position, not being able to straighten my body. Sometimes my legs would have a nervous twitch, I could not unfold my arms or I would find myself rocking back and forth. While in these attacks I would have memories return of episodes of shame from my childhood and teens.
Feeling Embarrassed and Ashamed regularly everyday for 40 years
I would become overwhelmed by feelings of shame regularly maybe 4-5 times per week or more. Sometimes, it would happen 4-5 times in the same day, resulting in a very unproductive and difficult day. This happening made me very uncomfortable when dealing with new people, and I would feel extremely nervous and tense. I would be afraid I would embarrass myself. I could talk on the phone but not in person.
Feeling nervous and tense because of this
I can trace this pattern to my early childhood probably around age seven or eight. I remember another kid saying; “my Mama says your family is poor.” I didn’t know what the meaning of the word was. When I asked my Mother, she got angry, but never quite explained it to me. I figured it out and remember after that being ashamed of my family, house, etc. I can remember getting off the school bus and feeling like all the eyes of the children on the bus were burning a hole in my back. I thought they were looking and judging me. After this the episodes got worse through through my teens and as a young adult and were particularly intense when I became pregnant as a teenager. Most of the events that are strongly in my memory happened when I lived in my home town. I moved away at age 27 but the memories moved with me. They have continued to occur through adulthood. Later on in life I learnt I was quite admired as a child, but I never knew it.
Sabotaged social interactions, self presentation and enjoyment of work
These shame attacks have caused people to misinterpret my intentions, as I am not able to express myself or be engaged in the topics at hand when I am in these attacks. I become forgetful and unaware of my surroundings. I have even been in situations where I would answer a question 2-3 minutes after the conversation was over (a delayed reaction) because I was stuck in the loop of shame and therefore not in tune with the people around me. People then think I am rude, weird, mean or that I am being standoffish or egotistical, which is not how I really am or how I feel. As a result I would often offend people and have them perceive me in an incorrect way in social and work settings.
Two months after the session where it was dealt with this it feels like nothing more than a vague memory. Although I know that being in this shame was a major factor in my life for decades now even thinking about what I was like makes me cringe. I simply cannot really identify with it as me any more. It was certainly not part of who I really am. So, I have gone from having shame attacks virtually every day and serious attacks 2-3 times a week down to vague uneasiness once a fortnight. It is really amazing how much it has really gone and how much difference it has made to my life.
What had me living continually in these difficult emotions
This was dealt with during a session while working with Clive I slipped into a feeling of embarrassment/forgetfulness and felt myself stopped from being able to communicate my feelings. I could feel the shame program engage, it felt as if a blanket had just come down over me and a cap was put on top of my head influencing me and as a result I stopped being able to think logically. Clive recognised it and described what it was like and that its network was influencing my whole body including my arms and legs. It could control my body to correspondence to the type and depth of the shame and embarrassment feeling. This could be the extremities, the stomach area and my mind. So, for example sometimes I would be made to lower and hold my head in shame and hold it in my hands. Even though most of the time I can feel what is happening when things are being cleared, this time I was unaware of any feeling in my body that was corresponding to the clearing; I just knew something was happening.
WSW observations: This was a huge networked interference one of the largest and complex I have dealt with within a client and one obviously specifically tuned to Shirley. It was linked to thoughts, feelings and bodily responses to produce integrated effects including representing past memories to amplify and increase the shame and make the attack more potent and to move her body and limbs into positions that would correspond to what she was being made to feel shame about. When we initiated the removal of this set of energy devices we had to abandon the session in terms of working on other areas as it was obvious it would take a few hours of energy ‘surgery’ to disconnect and remove the whole lot and still more time to bring her whole energy body into balance and alignment again. Having dealt with this, Shirley really cannot relate to how she was. She cannot identify with this shame or the reactions she had as part of her at all. In other words she was being made to be like this. Removal has resulted in feelings and reactions of shame dropping to a fraction of what they were.
Keywords: feeling ashamed, remorse, embarrassment, embarassed, life, difficult social interactions