How I had periods of my life feeling grey, of feeling stuck or paralysed, feeling like there was no future and being down, anxious, withdrawn
This describes how I found out that at times difficult or traumatic situations in my life would act as a trigger to make your initial reactions both amplified and prolonged for an indefinite period, to put and keep me in negative feeling and mental states. Basically I was being MADE to feel like shit for a long time sometimes years. This is my story of finding the first of these and then others that in total dragged my life down for 15 years.
Triggers to paralyse my life, in fear, anxiety, feeling like I have no future
There was a day recently when I was confronted with a situation that subjected me to extreme emotional vulnerability. Although I went to bed feeling great I woke up the next morning feeling shit with the following symptoms;
- Deep and continuous fear. I had strong pains in both kidneys that was connected to the fear
- A background body tension in my abdomen area like cramp but deep inside
- A strong body anxiety
- Feeling on the edge, slightly wired, worried, down
- A shakiness around my chest – like shaking in fear
- Feeling paralysed in life
- Thoughts that my life was empty, finished, that everything was grey no future
Shit paralysed, down, grey life triggered by traumatic life events
After a while I realised that these were the same symptoms that had hit me when a relationship finished traumatically some 15 years before when my girlfriend of that time left me. I have had these symptoms each and every time a similar extreme situation of emotional vulnerability came into my life. The first time when I was 32 and since then twice more. When living these symptoms I feel like shit basically all the time. I would have to drag myself up every morning, life is grey, has no meaning, my life is paralysed. In total these particular shit symptoms have poisoned my life for three and a half years.
While lying there that morning trying to figure out why I was feeling like this I had the horrific thought that maybe these feelings and responses were actually not mine. In the previous weeks to this I had found a few things that had been making me feel, think and or respond in certain ways – manipulating me. But the enormity that these particular symptoms might be something done to me was horrifying and it came as a real shock to find that the whole combination of symptoms I was feeling were not mine.
Finding that these DOWNER & debilitating symptoms ARE NOT MINE
Investigations revealed a range of what I call simply ‘interferences’ that between them and working together were creating all of these symptoms. It took a total of 90 minutes to get them all – usually it just takes seconds / minutes. I was horrified when it began to dawn on me that these feelings and body responses were not mine and that they had been put there with mal intent to fuck my life up. It was almost too much to think about. I became very angry, particularly as I dealt with three other similar symptom sets over the next three weeks. The total number of years spent in all of these symptoms was 15 years. 15 f**#ing years – half my adult life. One set started when I was 15 and faded out when I was 24. During one very difficult period of my life about 10 years ago all four sets of interference originated symptoms played out simultaneously – giving me a horrendous time for 9 months. It was these types of emotional hell periods that were a significant factor to me being totally determined and focused to find all that was causing my challenges and limitations and resolving them.
At times having thoughts of contemplating suicide?
Any additional comments? During the very difficult 9 months when I was having a truly horrendous time my mind contemplated suicide. Now I am extremely clear about this. I did not sit and contemplate suicide, rather the thoughts of suicide appeared in my mind. So, I now know 12 years later why these suicide thoughts did not feel right; why they felt like an invader – because they were an invasion – they were not my thoughts. But then we all automatically assume that all of our thought must be our own as there is nothing that even suggests otherwise and until now nothing that could confirm whether this is true or not. I only remembered these suicide thoughts when another client mentioned having the same that he too was suspicious about. He told me of this in the middle of the three weeks that I was spending clearing these emotionally triggered symptoms. This prompted a “eureka” type response from me and we both checked to see if there were interferences causing these thoughts. Guess what? Entirely true. You think all your thoughts are your own? GO FISH . . . .
What are you assumptions or beliefs preventing you from resolving?
WSW relevant observations? I can greatly appreciate that I am turning peoples views of reality upside down by saying that much of what we view as negative within ourselves may in fact not be of our doing at all. I can appreciate it because although I am tough; and to be honest I have had to be to open everything to reach this point but even for me it is hugely difficult to come to terms with the fact that huge portions of what I thought of as me are in fact not me at all and not only that, but that others with horrendously bad intentions did these things deliberately. You should know that I worked very strongly to the maxim that “I am responsible for everything that I experience in my life” I believed and worked to this assumption for 23 years. I am now aghast to find that these types of beliefs are also seeded to keep us lost and naively looking in the wrong direction as are all the beliefs out there that keep people psychotically positive, naive or that orientate peoples attention or energy away from really exploring the cause of the negative. We are being made to hold to beliefs that are often not ours by free choice. The staples of spiritual ideas and beliefs not only keep these manipulations hidden they prevent people from even being open to exploring the possibilities that our “fall” is the result of engineered manipulations and in fact we have not fallen so much as been pushed. From all that I have found interfering with me and my clients so far I estimate that 90% of our issues, traumas and life challenges are caused by manipulations set up by others. I can virtually guarantee that 90% will prove to be a conservative estimate.
Keywords: emotional angst, distraught, anguish, no life, fear, despair, emotional black hole, relationships, breaking up, suicide, manipulated thoughts, manipulated emotions