Being internally and externally guided to face and conquer the fear and extreme dislike of men’s raw and disrespectful sexual attraction, behaviour and anger. Going from being submissive, scared and treated disrespectfully through demanding and receiving respect and courtesy.
Repeating life patterns of being subjected to forced sexual advances
I have repeating life patterns where men would without any provocation on my part make strong and sometimes forced sexual advances, be disrespectful and say demeaning things to me. They seemed to instinctively know I could not stand my ground, that I was unable to say NO. I was always afraid that if I did stand my ground that I would have to face anger and I was always very afraid when a man got angry with me, no matter what the reason. In my marriage . . . I was expected to be continually sexually available . . . the receptacle of some ones need for a release, irrespective of what I wanted. If I tried to say no, I was met with anger, so I gave in . . . So, these were areas of my life within which I responded like a mouse, either completely avoiding or tolerating but never able to really respond from a place of confidence or security. So, this is my story of how WSW directed situations and events in my life for me to have the opportunity to push these boundaries to stand more solidly for myself.
It started one day when I met a man, named Max; in the cafe that I go to after swimming in the ocean.
Dealing with fear of disrespectful or forceful sexual attractions
He was the perfect man to help me deal with those fears: his wild, unafraid, intelligent and free-spirited attitude attracted me, yet he was also a homeless drunken bum with absolutely no respect for women. He was immensely attracted to me because he could see I am unconventional, I have a beautiful body and I (then) looked very innocent. He was sure from the start he would have me in no time.The first time I met him, I was paralysed by my attraction to him which made me weak, and paralysed by his male dominant attitude toward me. He directly eyed me up and down like I was a piece of meat and I was terrified of falling into his claws. He was promising me the world to seduce me into doing things with him, anything . . . a part of me wanted to go because I like adventure, but i was very afraid of following him. I thought he might rape me or something . . . As i was pondering and trying my best to keep his hands off me, the thought came to me that it might be something set up by WSW so I decided to force myself to stay with him for 2 hours and go to one place with him. I managed to be strong enough to tell him that I would leave at any moment if I chose and I did, when the heat got too high and I started to feel cornered . . .
When I got home, I was totally exhausted and I thought I had won and that the test was over. But no, Max reappeared the next day and the next and the next. My interactions with him were to last 3 months!!
Standing your ground, saying no and feeling the fear
At the start he was always VERY persistent and determined to get me . . . and also crude and disrespectful. My challenge became to get him to respect who I was, treat me well while not being afraid of him and standing my ground. I couldn’t understand why he treated me like he did when he treated the two women who worked at the cafe with high respect. Something within me was telling him that I didn’t have the power to stand my ground . . .
So I chose to use this as an opportunity and interact with him day after day to slowly learn to dodge his gestures and impose on him to respect me. I had to learn to talk forcefully to him so he would start taking me seriously. It took weeks to get there, little by little each day. I got him to change his rude vocabulary toward me, and even to realise that I was actually someone both intelligent and with talents. Slowly, we actually got to be friends . . .
He still thought he would have me for lunch (and to tell the truth, for the purpose of making this new movement, I was leaving the door open. I actually quite liked many of Max’s qualities but I also knew he would have to respect me before anything happened. So he sort of always had a chance) He was quite upset one day when he met my partner, because he thought I was single! My partner who knew the whole story and is also doing WSW was perfectly OK with it, but Max felt uncomfortable because he thought my partner would be jealous. A good month went by and he still wanted me badly, always trying to get close physically, making advances of all kinds, millions of promises, and I was still spending time with him, learning to keep him at bay . . . then going home, and sharing my latest adventures with my partner.
Confronted and trapped by a sexual predator?
The big test came one day when he told me he had just bought a sail boat. I had wanted to learn to sail myself for a while . . . I know he saw the sparkle in my eye, and he saw his chance: He got me to come and see the boat . . . When I saw it I suddenly got all excited. I simply fell in love with it and told Max it was “My boat” and not his . . . It was easy for him to get me to go sailing with him because at that moment all my defences suddenly went down. I told him I would go for one hour, not more. He agreed.
So off we went . . . I thoroughly enjoyed being on the water. And Max was making his approach more and more insistent, touching my body every time he had a chance (we were in our swimsuits). Somehow, I was incapable of telling him to stop, I think I was afraid of his possible reaction. I did my best to keep my distances, but I was having so much fun being on the boat that I didn’t really care. After an hour went by, I got tired of the game and could see he was not stopping at all. I was ready to go home and I told him so. He flatly answered that he had no intention of going back to shore, that I had climbed on his boat and that he was kidnapping me!!
Saying no to sex
So I retorted that I was a good swimmer and got ready to jump overboard (I had had the foresight to leave my wallet in my car before boarding the boat . . . I knew perfectly well that I was deliberately taking risks with him). At that, he revved up the motor full blast to get as far away as possible from the coast! I tried to jump but it was Sunday afternoon and at that very moment there were boats everywhere around us going at fast speeds and also a police boat. I thought I’d get in trouble with the police if they saw me swimming. It’s funny that it didn’t even occur to me that I could tell them that I was trying to save myself from a potential rape and that Max was sailing a boat that didn’t have papers. Typical victim thinking of me, and always scared of male authority . . . I was at fault and Max wasn’t!
The soft seducer becomes a raging tyrant
While I was pondering whether I would still jump or not, Max suddenly turned from the seductive and soft, almost tender, pursuer he had been for the last hour to an absolutely raging dragon: He was so mad that I would try to leave him and that he was going to lose his chance to have me that he exploded in the wildest fit of rage I have ever seen in my life (and I have seen male anger!!). He called me the rudest names you could think of, promised I would pay for what I was about to do, how did I dare resist him I was such a bitch and such niceties. At that point, I think he could have jumped on me and actually rape me . . . His fit so shocked me that I forgot to jump, and instead of watching out for my safety, I tried to calm him down! But that only increased his rage because now I dared to talk back to him. By the time I realised that my trying to be nice and kind would never work with someone like Max, we were very far away from shore and it was definitely too late to jump . . .
I silently ended up going to the front of the boat and isolating myself from Max, pondering what the hell had just gone on, glad I had finally seen the true face of Max, glad also that I had not been scared by his anger and didn’t not recoil from it. I still felt safe. I could always jump if he attacked me . . .
The quiet apology
After a while, he stopped screaming and quietly apologised to me, in an attempt to save face. I acknowledged him for being able to do so (most men in my life never apologised for their anger) . . . I had been attracted to a part of him, but this display of anger did him in. Never now would he have a chance to have me. He knew that.
But I still saw him at the cafe after that for a month or so. In fact, that episode was the beginning of me winning! In the next few days, I managed to get him to sell me his boat . . . That was my first win over him! Afterwards, he stopped trying to get me sexually, but he switched to a different tactic . . . .
A change of tactics for further openings and opportunities
Now came the second part of my training, learning to not be so damn giving! He was trying to get me to do all sorts of things for him, like drive him places and buy him stuff. He was always in trouble with the law so would always lose his driver’s license or his moped would be broken or whatever. Every day was a different sorry story. At first, he’d always managed to get me to do something for him. But once he was in my car, he would always ask for more. I slowly started seeing that he was just plain using me (yes, I know, I can see now that I was a push-over and quite blind . . . that’s what I had to learn!). So my challenge became to stand my ground and say no more and more forcefully to his constant begging, and to learn to make deals with him and force him to keep his end of it. We spent weeks like that, until one day, I actually found the strength to stop on the side of the road and tell him to get out of my car, which made him have to walk 5 miles!
Becoming empowered and standing my ground against disrespect
He couldn’t believe I would do that when I had been so easy to exploit. He was angry with me the next day, but I didn’t mind his anger any more and told him to cut it out. I was learning to stand my ground and he knew he couldn’t use swear words with me any more. He started to respect me and realise what I would and would not do for him. I started making deals with him, and I became really tough . . . when I lent him 3$ for cigarettes, he had to give me 5$ the next day, and so on. Or else he would have to put one of his tools in deposit with me (I still have a power paint-gun from him . . . ).
One day, we actually shook hands on our friendship. And slowly, he stopped asking me for things he knew I would say no to. But I always left my heart open and had time for his stories. He was a great story-teller!
The lesson learnt and so no longer gets presented
Soon after, he totally disappeared from my life. I never saw him again. Simply, I had dealt with everything I could from my interactions with him. A great adventure!! Since being guided through these encounters with Max I am not afraid of men or their anger any more and I can handle their sexual advances and games with confidence. I also no longer tolerate being disrespected and I make sure that they know this. For example:
- When disrespected and taken advantage of: Since this experience, I have slapped a man for the first time in my life because he was clearly disrespectful toward me and tried to take advantage of my kindness. Since working with these issues with Max I haven’t had one single raw man encounter. This guy whose face I slapped was basically tricking me; I guess I was still a bit too innocent.
- When facing male anger: When two weeks later, he came back very angry with me and playing the victim game, I laughed at him and sent him on his way. It was comfortable for me to tell him again that he had deserved what he got and that I would not back down or retract what I had done.
- When sexually pursued: Another young man tried to seduce me not long ago, with all his testosterone. Instead of being uncomfortable, I was very confident in handling the situation and had no problems whatsoever.
I would say that my ability to deal with men in these types of situation and how I relate to them has changed from a 1 to a 9. I still tend to choose kindness over toughness, rather than choose what is probably more appropriate in the moment (for example I recently lent $30 to a man who I knew wasn’t trustworthy but I gave him yet another chance, out of kindness or out of not wanting to refuse help to someone, which he didn’t deserve . . . he never paid me back!). I suspect there are still more boundaries to move beyond in areas of trust and discernment.
No longer anxious or insecure when dealing with male disrespect
It is also great not to be anxious or insecure about these types of encounter any more. Now, I don’t have to be on my guard all the time like I used to. I feel very at ease even being alone in a cafe/bar where before men’s attractions to me used to make me feel uncomfortable and on edge. Now, it doesn’t at all. I am freer, more playful, and I don’t react like a mouse when men exhibit these types of behaviour because I can stand for myself now. I still do not choose coarse sexual expression for myself, but it is now out of a true choice, not out of fear.
Reclaiming my ability to be angry rather than passive or accepting
My ex-husband, who was angry with me many times in quite violent ways, was totally stunned when I shouted back at him a few days after my episode with Max. He had called me to put me down once more, and I didn’t let him do that, instead shut him up by allowing myself to shout at him and basically show him that his anger was ridiculous and misplaced. Being really faced with Max’s anger without judging it as bad has given me the right to be angry if I deem it appropriate. I used to think that anger was ugly because I was scared of it. Now, I think there are times when it is very necessary and there are people who do not understand any other way than through anger. I totally appreciate now my ability to be angry!
Being guided through these encounters was very scary at the beginning, but my realisation that it was a WSW set-up made it easy for me to ‘play the game’ till the end. I had worked with WSW for 6 months at this point and had enough experience and confidence even when things seemed crazy to intelligently flow with what I was offered. This confidence in the workings of the WSW process gave me the strength and trust to face my insecurities and use these situations. So, rather than this being a dreadful and stressful encounter it became an adventure, of which I have great memories. I shall always remember Max fondly . . . A homeless drunken bum that gave me everything I needed to heal in these areas than any spiritual path ever could!
Keywords: fear, disrespect, aggressive attractions, disrespectful attractions, raw sexual attraction, raw sexual behaviour, anger, standing my ground, saying NO, holding your space, facing insecurities.
I had my computer crash as I was reading ‘soft seducer becomes a raging tyrant’. I too had the experience of the seducer/tyrant. I could not get my computer to work till the next day. Also had a very restless night!
Hi Trish, Well no surprise here with your computer…sounds like this article is touching deep areas within you which would like to stay hidden!
WSW has changed a lot since the days of Max (it’s been 5 years now), and it’s definitely easier and faster to resolve one’s issues!
Hi Maya, I have returned to this for the first time since my computer went down, it got more involved, the page kept coming up, but the light behind to read it was so poor, I could not make out what I was looking at!!! So, I had to take the computer back, it is new so had to go to the factory because its still under warranty. Now for the last week, it seems that the computer has been sitting in some couriers van for days, as it left the factory fully working three days after it went off! I will get it back on Monday.
Maya, during those past days when you felt you had to give in to sexual advances because you were met with anger — did these useless men hit you physically (whether in this lifetime or in past lives) to make you afraid? I think my fear of macho men come from NOT being able to defend myself physically when strong guys overpower me. (I’m still afraid of one of my siblings because he hit me physically when we fought as kids. Similarly, I had also bitten teachers and classmates during nursery and grade school whenever I felt that I was being attacked.)
In this time, I was almost strangled by my ex, just once. I was in a very new agey mode then and so I never fought back, just told him I loved him while he lunged at me! The only time I felt in real physical danger, instead of fighting back or reasoning with him, I internally called ‘my guides’ and told them that they had better do something now if they wanted me to live. They responded immediately, took over Rob’s body so he released his grip!
I do relate to your biting others as a child. I, myself, attacked doctors, dentist and nurses who needed to work on me. I seemed to have fighting power as a kid, but none in front of angry men later on.
Then is it safe to assume that you did get angry as a kid? If that’s the case, were you repressed from expressing your anger (albeit in an aggressive, physical manner) as a kid?
I remember the adults around me stopping me from screaming, crying too often, and acting violently. They told me that the way I express my anger is wrong, that I’m hurting others (which is true), and that I’m being a bad girl.
That led me to the incorrect conclusion that anger is wrong so I ended up suppressing them, which of course damaged me later on in the form of myopia and extreme anger/irritability at the slightest offense.
I realize only now that the adults NEVER taught me how to express my anger constructively because they were CLUELESS themselves. (And of course, some may be blackmailing me emotionally to make me prone to their bidding.)
In many cultures, it’s especially not ok for girls to express anger? They’re supposed to be sweet and nice?
I hardly ever got angry as a child, never even felt any anger. My father was an angry man and one of my brothers also was and I was terrified of male anger for many years. My terror to trigger male anger turned me into a mouse who never confronted men or even said no to them.
The only time I lost my temper toward my father was when I was 16, and he had eaten a dessert my mother had reserved for me. I didn’t think he could hear me swear horrible words at him. When he showed up at the door asking if those words were addressed to him, I got terrified and grabbed a kitchen knife to protect myself because for some reason I was sure he was either going to kill me or rape me. I then ran and spent the night in the horse stable, shaking the whole time, sure he was going to find me and do one or the other. The incident was never talked about until 20 years later, at my brother’s funeral I asked him if he remembered the incident (in those days, i had been told by several people that my sexual issues clearly showed that I had been abused sexually, so I was trying to figure out if my father had done this in my very young childhood and I simply had blocked the memory). He laughed, told me that he remembered the incident very well and said “do you know why i ate that dessert?” No, I said. “Well, I was jealous that you were out with boys”. . .With Clive, we found out that my father never abused me sexually though he was not very clear himself about his relationship with me!! and that all my weird sexual issues all came from past lives.
With this work, you will get to reclaim your anger. It is SO necessary, and not only the suppressed anger of this life but of countless lives. When past and amplified anger is reclaimed, we can still get angry when it is appropriate but we can do it in a choiceful way without it going overboard. . .
In my home country, girls and women are expected to act demure. In Chinese culture, men definitely have more power over women. The power balance between my mom and dad is definitely unequal.
If I’m not mistaken, even fashion for girls and women tends to perpetuate this ‘sweet and nice’ image. It’s very rare for me to find practical fashion ideas that say ‘tough woman’ so I currently find myself rejecting many kinds of girly fashion even if many of them look good on me (ex. skirts, frills, ruffles, lace, sweet sundresses, mini skirts, short shorts, cocktail dresses, etc)
I’ve always hated being forced to comply with the social norms of being a girl, like wearing make-up, wearing gowns on special occasions, etc.
Thanks for the ‘sweet and nice’ hint. Now I know why I’m allergic to being a ‘girly girl.’ Women are still being oppressed up to now. No wonder I feel that I’m not growing up (i.e. being assertive).
Hi Guys / Girlies,
Four years on, i am begginning at last,to understand this ‘post’ of Maya’s experience, more deeply, fully. It’s been a difficult 4 years for me, relationship-wise, but at the same time it has been the most Amazing BEST too.
For those of you that don’t know me, i have been stuck in a love-less relationship that i could not ‘get out – off’ for 23 yrs. but at last I AM out of it, for sure. Doing WSW these last 4 years has managed at last to FREE ME of all that BOUND ME to my EX – Relationship Partner. We still live together in the same home and HE keeps the family financially, HIS choice, that i could accept, as MY HOME is his too. XX Life IS SOOO much Better these days between us.. WE finally GET ALONG after so many years of failour.. ThankYOU, Clive, Maya, WSW and ALL @WSW.. Forever in my HEART xx 😉
This page has struck a cord with me. I have had a lot of my own issues regarding. I have often been afraid of angering men in my life. This last weekend I had a real fight with my husband, which would normally terrify me and I would just always give in, and beg that they would forgive me for whatever I did.
But this time I expressed my frustration over the problem, and then left the room and was crying and I heard his footsteps coming towards me and even though he has never been at all violent I had fears that he was going to come and beat me up or something.
But I stayed with the feeling and didn’t try to run from it and I was on the floor hyperventilating. And then later in the day after the issue had been resolved, my husband instead of being mad at me for causing this drama, had hugged me and was really gentle with me in general.
Though we both spent the rest of the day feeling very drained in general.
I’ve been through three therapists to help me overcome being terrified of angry men within the past three years. Not one has addressed this issue, not even remotely. It’s always something else they insist, even when it comes to women therapists, too! What is going on? Is anyone actually hearing what I was asking for? Wasn’t I being clear about my past? I thought so by the examples I gave them.
I’ve worked with one man in a volunteer job for many years who was always very nice to me even though he was known to have a temper with the other women. He recently offered me a part-time job in his store, and, assuming he would remain nice, I accepted. Unfortunately, when he asked me I heard something inside me say tell him you are going to think it over first. But I didn’t. Instantly he became Jeckel and Hyde with me on the very first day of work. I was suddenly his ’employee’, not his friend. He screamed at me in front of an entire store-full of customers for something as stupid as placing an empty plastic bag on his counter. No one came to my defense. I didn’t either. I calmly explained why I had done it (to help a customer who requested an extra one), but he wasn’t listening. He kept going on and on about sloppy help. So I quit. He was stunned by that, asking why. I told him he’s never treated me like that before, and I wasn’t going to take it from him now. Suddenly he was very contrite, etc., so I relented. You can guess what happened. Yes. Shortly after, it happened again. I immediately told him off in front of many of his regular customers the second time, about how he makes a good friend but is a terribly mean and angry boss. I KNOW I’m a good worker, and not what he was accusing me of. Now he won’t talk to me even in our volunteer organization. Fine. I still treat him like I always have, talking to him when I need to, but nothing more. He just grunts at me now. Life is still good. So there!
I’m actually glad he won’t talk to me. It shows me I FINALLY had some modicum of power over another, to stand up for and defend my own ground! I guess it gets better/easier a little bit each time you encounter an angry male, while calmly but firmly stating exactly how you feel and what you are going to do. I’m not quite so intimidated by angry men anymore. (Maybe I don’t need therapists, just need to find the courage to utilize my voice more often!) My latest mantra is: When people see you respecting yourself, they tend to follow suit.
Just to clarify, I saw him yell at a woman only once at our volunteer organization. Unfortunately I didn’t stand up for her, mainly because I was angry with her myself for something else entirely. (What goes around comes around, aye?) I hope to apologize to her the next time I see her, for being angry with her and not admitting it, and for not standing up for her while he was shouting at her. And not to commiserate about what a rotten person this man is either.
A very good and insightful read! Thank you Maya!