Being internally and externally guided to face and conquer the fear and extreme dislike of men’s raw and disrespectful sexual attraction, behaviour and anger. Going from being submissive, scared and treated disrespectfully through demanding and receiving respect and courtesy.

Repeating life patterns of being subjected to forced sexual advances

I have repeating life patterns where men would without any provocation on my part make strong and sometimes forced sexual advances, be disrespectful and say demeaning things to me. They seemed to instinctively know I could not stand my ground, that I was unable to say NO. I was always afraid that if I did stand my ground that I would have to face anger and I was always very afraid when a man got angry with me, no matter what the reason. In my marriage . . . I was expected to be continually sexually available . . . the receptacle of some ones need for a release, irrespective of what I wanted. If I tried to say no, I was met with anger, so I gave in . . . So, these were areas of my life within which I responded like a mouse, either completely avoiding or tolerating but never able to really respond from a place of confidence or security. So, this is my story of how WSW directed situations and events in my life for me to have the opportunity to push these boundaries to stand more solidly for myself.

It started one day when I met a man, named Max; in the cafe that I go to after swimming in the ocean.

Dealing with fear of disrespectful or forceful sexual attractions

He was the perfect man to help me deal with those fears: his wild, unafraid, intelligent and free-spirited attitude attracted me, yet he was also a homeless drunken bum with absolutely no respect for women. He was immensely attracted to me because he could see I am unconventional, I have a beautiful body and I (then) looked very innocent. He was sure from the start he would have me in no time.The first time I met him, I was paralysed by my attraction to him which made me weak, and paralysed by his male dominant attitude toward me. He directly eyed me up and down like I was a piece of meat and I was terrified of falling into his claws. He was promising me the world to seduce me into doing things with him, anything . . . a part of me wanted to go because I like adventure, but i was very afraid of following him. I thought he might rape me or something . . . As i was pondering and trying my best to keep his hands off me, the thought came to me that it might be something set up by WSW so I decided to force myself to stay with him for 2 hours and go to one place with him. I managed to be strong enough to tell him that I would leave at any moment if I chose and I did, when the heat got too high and I started to feel cornered . . .

When I got home, I was totally exhausted and I thought I had won and that the test was over. But no, Max reappeared the next day and the next and the next. My interactions with him were to last 3 months!!

Standing your ground, saying no and feeling the fear

At the start he was always VERY persistent and determined to get me . . . and also crude and disrespectful. My challenge became to get him to respect who I was, treat me well while not being afraid of him and standing my ground. I couldn’t understand why he treated me like he did when he treated the two women who worked at the cafe with high respect. Something within me was telling him that I didn’t have the power to stand my ground . . .

So I chose to use this as an opportunity and interact with him day after day to slowly learn to dodge his gestures and impose on him to respect me. I had to learn to talk forcefully to him so he would start taking me seriously. It took weeks to get there, little by little each day. I got him to change his rude vocabulary toward me, and even to realise that I was actually someone both intelligent and with talents. Slowly, we actually got to be friends . . .

He still thought he would have me for lunch (and to tell the truth, for the purpose of making this new movement, I was leaving the door open. I actually quite liked many of Max’s qualities but I also knew he would have to respect me before anything happened. So he sort of always had a chance) He was quite upset one day when he met my partner, because he thought I was single! My partner who knew the whole story and is also doing WSW was perfectly OK with it, but Max felt uncomfortable because he thought my partner would be jealous. A good month went by and he still wanted me badly, always trying to get close physically, making advances of all kinds, millions of promises, and I was still spending time with him, learning to keep him at bay . . . then going home, and sharing my latest adventures with my partner.

Confronted and trapped by a sexual predator?

The big test came one day when he told me he had just bought a sail boat. I had wanted to learn to sail myself for a while . . . I know he saw the sparkle in my eye, and he saw his chance: He got me to come and see the boat . . . When I saw it I suddenly got all excited. I simply fell in love with it and told Max it was “My boat” and not his . . . It was easy for him to get me to go sailing with him because at that moment all my defences suddenly went down. I told him I would go for one hour, not more. He agreed.

So off we went . . . I thoroughly enjoyed being on the water. And Max was making his approach more and more insistent, touching my body every time he had a chance (we were in our swimsuits). Somehow, I was incapable of telling him to stop, I think I was afraid of his possible reaction. I did my best to keep my distances, but I was having so much fun being on the boat that I didn’t really care. After an hour went by, I got tired of the game and could see he was not stopping at all. I was ready to go home and I told him so. He flatly answered that he had no intention of going back to shore, that I had climbed on his boat and that he was kidnapping me!!

I was shocked!

Saying no to sex

So I retorted that I was a good swimmer and got ready to jump overboard (I had had the foresight to leave my wallet in my car before boarding the boat . . . I knew perfectly well that I was deliberately taking risks with him). At that, he revved up the motor full blast to get as far away as possible from the coast! I tried to jump but it was Sunday afternoon and at that very moment there were boats everywhere around us going at fast speeds and also a police boat. I thought I’d get in trouble with the police if they saw me swimming. It’s funny that it didn’t even occur to me that I could tell them that I was trying to save myself from a potential rape and that Max was sailing a boat that didn’t have papers. Typical victim thinking of me, and always scared of male authority . . . I was at fault and Max wasn’t!

The soft seducer becomes a raging tyrant

While I was pondering whether I would still jump or not, Max suddenly turned from the seductive and soft, almost tender, pursuer he had been for the last hour to an absolutely raging dragon: He was so mad that I would try to leave him and that he was going to lose his chance to have me that he exploded in the wildest fit of rage I have ever seen in my life (and I have seen male anger!!). He called me the rudest names you could think of, promised I would pay for what I was about to do, how did I dare resist him I was such a bitch and such niceties. At that point, I think he could have jumped on me and actually rape me . . . His fit so shocked me that I forgot to jump, and instead of watching out for my safety, I tried to calm him down! But that only increased his rage because now I dared to talk back to him. By the time I realised that my trying to be nice and kind would never work with someone like Max, we were very far away from shore and it was definitely too late to jump . . .

I silently ended up going to the front of the boat and isolating myself from Max, pondering what the hell had just gone on, glad I had finally seen the true face of Max, glad also that I had not been scared by his anger and didn’t not recoil from it. I still felt safe. I could always jump if he attacked me . . .

The quiet apology

After a while, he stopped screaming and quietly apologised to me, in an attempt to save face. I acknowledged him for being able to do so (most men in my life never apologised for their anger) . . . I had been attracted to a part of him, but this display of anger did him in. Never now would he have a chance to have me. He knew that.

But I still saw him at the cafe after that for a month or so. In fact, that episode was the beginning of me winning! In the next few days, I managed to get him to sell me his boat . . . That was my first win over him! Afterwards, he stopped trying to get me sexually, but he switched to a different tactic . . . .

A change of tactics for further openings and opportunities

Now came the second part of my training, learning to not be so damn giving! He was trying to get me to do all sorts of things for him, like drive him places and buy him stuff. He was always in trouble with the law so would always lose his driver’s license or his moped would be broken or whatever. Every day was a different sorry story. At first, he’d always managed to get me to do something for him. But once he was in my car, he would always ask for more. I slowly started seeing that he was just plain using me (yes, I know, I can see now that I was a push-over and quite blind . . . that’s what I had to learn!). So my challenge became to stand my ground and say no more and more forcefully to his constant begging, and to learn to make deals with him and force him to keep his end of it. We spent weeks like that, until one day, I actually found the strength to stop on the side of the road and tell him to get out of my car, which made him have to walk 5 miles!

Becoming empowered and standing my ground against disrespect

He couldn’t believe I would do that when I had been so easy to exploit. He was angry with me the next day, but I didn’t mind his anger any more and told him to cut it out. I was learning to stand my ground and he knew he couldn’t use swear words with me any more. He started to respect me and realise what I would and would not do for him. I started making deals with him, and I became really tough . . . when I lent him 3$ for cigarettes, he had to give me 5$ the next day, and so on. Or else he would have to put one of his tools in deposit with me (I still have a power paint-gun from him . . . ).

One day, we actually shook hands on our friendship. And slowly, he stopped asking me for things he knew I would say no to. But I always left my heart open and had time for his stories. He was a great story-teller!

The lesson learnt and so no longer gets presented

Soon after, he totally disappeared from my life. I never saw him again. Simply, I had dealt with everything I could from my interactions with him. A great adventure!! Since being guided through these encounters with Max I am not afraid of men or their anger any more and I can handle their sexual advances and games with confidence. I also no longer tolerate being disrespected and I make sure that they know this. For example:

  • When disrespected and taken advantage of: Since this experience, I have slapped a man for the first time in my life because he was clearly disrespectful toward me and tried to take advantage of my kindness. Since working with these issues with Max I haven’t had one single raw man encounter. This guy whose face I slapped was basically tricking me; I guess I was still a bit too innocent.
  • When facing male anger: When two weeks later, he came back very angry with me and playing the victim game, I laughed at him and sent him on his way. It was comfortable for me to tell him again that he had deserved what he got and that I would not back down or retract what I had done.
  • When sexually pursued: Another young man tried to seduce me not long ago, with all his testosterone. Instead of being uncomfortable, I was very confident in handling the situation and had no problems whatsoever.

I would say that my ability to deal with men in these types of situation and how I relate to them has changed from a 1 to a 9. I still tend to choose kindness over toughness, rather than choose what is probably more appropriate in the moment (for example I recently lent $30 to a man who I knew wasn’t trustworthy but I gave him yet another chance, out of kindness or out of not wanting to refuse help to someone, which he didn’t deserve . . . he never paid me back!). I suspect there are still more boundaries to move beyond in areas of trust and discernment.

No longer anxious or insecure when dealing with male disrespect

It is also great not to be anxious or insecure about these types of encounter any more. Now, I don’t have to be on my guard all the time like I used to. I feel very at ease even being alone in a cafe/bar where before men’s attractions to me used to make me feel uncomfortable and on edge. Now, it doesn’t at all. I am freer, more playful, and I don’t react like a mouse when men exhibit these types of behaviour because I can stand for myself now. I still do not choose coarse sexual expression for myself, but it is now out of a true choice, not out of fear.

Reclaiming my ability to be angry rather than passive or accepting

My ex-husband, who was angry with me many times in quite violent ways, was totally stunned when I shouted back at him a few days after my episode with Max. He had called me to put me down once more, and I didn’t let him do that, instead shut him up by allowing myself to shout at him and basically show him that his anger was ridiculous and misplaced. Being really faced with Max’s anger without judging it as bad has given me the right to be angry if I deem it appropriate. I used to think that anger was ugly because I was scared of it. Now, I think there are times when it is very necessary and there are people who do not understand any other way than through anger. I totally appreciate now my ability to be angry!

Being guided through these encounters was very scary at the beginning, but my realisation that it was a WSW set-up made it easy for me to ‘play the game’ till the end. I had worked with WSW for 6 months at this point and had enough experience and confidence even when things seemed crazy to intelligently flow with what I was offered. This confidence in the workings of the WSW process gave me the strength and trust to face my insecurities and use these situations. So, rather than this being a dreadful and stressful encounter it became an adventure, of which I have great memories. I shall always remember Max fondly . . . A homeless drunken bum that gave me everything I needed to heal in these areas than any spiritual path ever could!

Keywords: fear, disrespect, aggressive attractions, disrespectful attractions, raw sexual attraction, raw sexual behaviour, anger, standing my ground, saying NO, holding your space, facing insecurities.